Not a good day...

I just noticed that all my posts up to this point has been quite positive. Even when I talk about the delays on my work I seem to have an optimistic view of it all. But realistically everybody has days where they feel so down and feel like just giving everything up. Well today is that day for me...

It's funny because the day actually started out well. I woke up at a desirable time and had a decent night sleep. After a delicious lunch I proceeded with my daily routine and started work on my music. Everything seemed dandy. So what happened?

To begin, you have to understand a little about my work. Now due to my inexperience as a producer my general arrangement method is pretty much to approach it by trial and error. I'd go over a million and one different things before I land on something that works. However this method is time consuming and can be extremely frustrating! particularly when you can't seem to land anything despite spending hours experimenting. So, today was one of those days and, yes, I'm pretty damn frustrated at the moment.

Now usually I'd get over it quite quickly, but there's something about combining this annoying event with my current emotional situation that has led to the amplification of lurking negative energies. I'm bored, extremely lonely, broke, and the last thing I needed was my creativity to hit a brick wall.

At times like this I usually get a little pissed off at the world and start to question "why does it have to be so damn hard?". I mean I'm composing my own songs, producing them, planning my marketing strategies, starting up a label, choreographing my own dance routines, and managing my whole music career... all on my own. No team, no budget, and nothing much else to keep me going but the determination to prove to everyone that I can. However, when I see 'celebrities' who seem to have simply shot to stardom without having to put forth a fraction of the effort that I've put in I start to wonder what the fu#@ is going on? It's bad enough that I won a talent contest and the whole thing fell flat on its ass, and now here I am still persisting on this career and shouting "I've got talent!" but yet nobody really gives a sh!t.

What ever happened to the concept of being discovered? Where are the talent scouts? Where's the recording deal? Where's the big-shot A&R telling me "you're gonna be the next big thing"? How come I have to spend countless hours of self-effort to pursue this while others have everything simply handed over to them? I gotta go through so much bullsh!t in order educate myself whilst, at the same time, trying not let the issue of next months bill payments worry me. Add to that the fact that the people I'm closest to are thousands of miles away and I'm generally going out of my mind coz I have no one to share my life with. I work alone, I sleep alone, I wake up alone, I eat alone, and (the worst part is) I suffer alone.

There's no one to run to when I'm in need. There's no one to make me feel needed. There's no shoulder to cry on. There's also no one to share my joys with. My smiles go unnoticed. My laughter only heard by me. My basic human need for affection completely deprived.

*Sigh* Okay.. it's obvious that what happened today (the failure of finding the right sound) was simply a trigger to something a lot deeper that I've been suppressing. By tomorrow or maybe even in a couple of hours I'll be back to normal again. I'm not asking for sympathy. I just wanted to lash out just once so that you know that this seemingly self-reliant, motivated, and determined artist is simply human... and I too have my share of struggles.

I wanted to share this because when I achieve my dream (and I WILL achieve it) I want you to know that there was a nightmare before it. Maybe you won't like my music and maybe what I'll bring to the table has no entertainment value to you whatsoever, but at least you'll know of the fight that I kept up to achieve it.. and I'm sure you can at least respect that.

So what now? Back to it I guess... grrrrrr.


I found this picture on http://www.candidsoul.com - Kinda explains how I've been feeling lately...

"So where's the JAM?"

OK so it's been 3 months to date since my birthday and so far there has been no indication whatsoever on the release of my first single (which I originally planned to be 'out there' by early September '07 at the latest). Not even a post on the web! - which is infamous for even plain nonsense. So what's going on?

I was riding high and it was all good during my birthday celebration (pictured below - just 'some' of the entourage) at a club when the song passed the DJ’s personal QC and pumped it on the house speakers. What a moment, hearing my own track mixed in amongst US R&B and not sounding at all out of place. Nobody left the floor... In fact more people came on to the floor as the DJ announced that the song was made by our very own 'local boy'. But all that seem like a distant memory now..

In the course of three months, that one track (The Weekend Jam) has not gone through much change neither. Sure I managed to have ONE session in a studio in an attempt to record proper vocals but there was never a follow up session to finish it off. My dear producer/engineer friend who had agreed to take on the project with me was going through some 'personal' issues that she had to deal with and unfortunately my project got somewhat sidetracked. No blame though - it's just how it is.

So there was nothing much else I could do but to fix the earlier recorded vocal track (done with my own SM58 mic) and make the best out of it, which I am still completely unsatisfied with to this day but fortunately have had the privilege of another dear producer/engineer friend (a master at mixing tracks) who is willing to help me fix-it-up.

One problem solved, but there are more matters that contributes to the delay. My fellow collaborator Constantine a.k.a. Johnny Blaque feels that his earlier rap is too mediocre and doesn't do justice to the caliber of the song which, on one hand, is a nice compliment but doesn't quite help the production time line on the other. He decided to rewrite his segment and, as much as I hate to say it, it has taken him 3 months and still no new lyrics on his part. Once again though: No blame - just how it is. You just can't rush art, right?

But to be fair ultimately the delay is mostly because of me. Since my birthday I have gone through quite a number of my own 'personal' issues, the biggest one worth mentioning is the recent departure of my soul mate, who has gone overseas to pursue a new career. Since August, knowing that we had little time left together, I have shifted most of my attention to her and her alone, cherishing her presence before having to deal with her absence, and leaving little production time.

After she left (roughly a month ago) I faced difficulties in getting back into my creative mode as I went through (and am still going through) a tough emotional phase. I spent most my time playing a game called 'dota' to distract myself from thinking too much as the Cubase interface simply didn't help. My active determination diminished into a hermit-like life and also faced sleeping problems.

"Only time can heal" most would say and I guess they were right as, despite my inability to cure my sleeping disorder, I am now slowly getting back into the music groove.

So here's the 411:

- Still no lyrics to his part on the song but Constantine has been hanging around with me and we've been dwelling into making new songs... and they are sounding great. It's nice when fresh and new ideas enter my realm of 'usual tendencies'. For example, I would have never thought of writing a song called 'KK-fornia'! We decided to bring that old summertime Chicano style anthem back describing how our beloved hometown (Kota Kinabalu a.k.a. KK) resembles and perhaps supersedes the ever-so-praised life of california. Hence, KK-fornia.

Note: I have no idea why he would post a demo and a very unfinished track on his AMP site but indeed he did so you can catch a glimpse of the track at http://amp.channelv.com/amp/viewArtist.html?id=22097

- Simultaneously we are also composing a song called '7 years, 7 minutes', a track based on how a relationship can take 7 years to build, but can only take 7 minutes to destroy. Deeeeeep.

- Inspired by my current emotional situation I have written a song about what I'm going through at the moment - which I will not write about just yet as it deserves its own blog that will make its way here in the near future.

- Those that have read my earlier post entitled 'The Weekend Jam' may recall that the song went through 'a lot' of versions before it made it to its final state. Well, history is repeating itself as another track of mine is currently going through the same process. Even the title have suffered the multiple change syndrome. From 'unknown' (as in literally unknown) to 'Too Much' and now to 'Waste of Time', the song is sounding great as my arrangement skill improved since I worked on it last.

So with all this happening, the question remains: "Where's the JAM?"

Well I guess it'll still be in the fridge (bad joke, sorry) until my man Johnny Blaque gets inspired, after which it'll then make it's way for it's final mix, and THEN finally you get to hear what I've been raving all this time about.

I can hear your thoughts. You're asking "Why not just post it now temporarily? After all, you did play it in a club!" Well, it's rather a complicated question to answer but here goes: That club thing was a test. I wanted to see whether the song will work in that environment in terms of arrangement quality, mix, & dance factor (It passed, though with room for improvement). Furthermore, it was only a '1 time' thing. To post it on the net would be allowing it to be scrutinized due to your ability to listen to it over and over again. As tempting as it is to post it right here right now, I have this 'thing' about presentation. I just can't bear giving out half-baked works and allowing it for criticism until I've given it everything I've got.

So, with that said, I do sincerely apologize to those that have waited all this time. I know it has taken a damn long time but I'm afraid it's gonna take a lil while longer. Trust me, nobody wants the track ready more than me... but Patience is a virtue they say, and as I mentioned before, you just can't rush art.

The Weekend Jam

August 4, 2007 - First and foremost, NO this is not about how I had an awesome time on the weekend. 'The Weekend Jam' is the title of my first upcoming single that is soon to be released. This is the story of the long journey that it has taken for it to get to where it is...

The song was actually written a long time ago sometime in the 1998. It was thought up by my project group back in the days when we were studying Music Industry Skills in TAFE Leederville. It started out life with the name 'Consolation Lover' - about a guy who's girlfriend kept fuc*k!n around on him and only comes home to him when she 'couldn't get the prize'. Get it? He's the Consolation! Well it was brilliant at the time but the song never quite made its way into the commercial scene.

Fast forward to 2004 and I re-created the song with the intention to have my group (By'u) sing and release it on our next album. In the midst of its re-creation I realised that the original arrangement was way too bubbly to be a 'depressing' song. It felt more like it had to be a party song. Answering its call I had the lyrics and chorus melody changed to something more relevant.

The song became a girl/guy-duet-like tune so as to accomodate the 2 guys and 3 girls in the group. The story was about how the different genders would prepare for a weekend of partying madness.. and so the song title was fittingly changed to 'Weekend Jam', which derived from 'hiphop jam'. I remembered how much fun I had going to those in the 90's and also thought it'd be nice to bring the word 'jam' back into trend as everyone is just saying 'party' nowadays (boring...). The song had a great hook to it and was catchy... but unfortunately, my group broke up (unofficially) before we even stepped foot in a studio.

The data sat dormant in my hard drive for a couple of years until I finally got off my ass a few months ago and decided that I was going to finally pursue my solo career. I didn't want the song to go to waste and decided it was gonna be my first single. However, because I no longer had a group, I had to turn it back into a solo. Also, the arrangement (the one that encouraged me to change the story) got too old. It was just too '98... so I had to start by re-arranging it to a more current sound. The story remained unchanged, with the exception that this time it was only from one person's point of view.

Somewhere along it's 50% progress mark, I brought the song over to some 'industry' folx to get some constructive critism... and boy did I get it! They opinionated on the arrangement, the melody, the chorus, and pretty much everything else. The only thing they liked was the title! It wasn't that the song was bad, it was just not good enough to make it internationally. It was pretty hard to swallow at first I must admit, considering all the work I've put in, but I was determined to make a really good single so I put their opinions to good use and kept working on it...

By the end of reconstruction process it turned out to be a complete makeover. It's like blowing up a old building block and then building a new one! The melody (verses, chorus AND bridge), the arrangement, even the lyrics ALL changed. It became a 'totally' new song. You couldn't even see the resemblence if you compared it with the original...

Roughly 4 to 5 versions later! I've finally gotten it to a kinda Pharrell crossed Joe crossed Kelly Rowland ft Eve like feel... and everyone's finally happy!

Throughout the phases I was blessed to have somehow hooked up with Constantine - a DJ/Rapper who I reckon is currently the best MC to have come out from North Borneo so far (Pictured below during a break, which we seem to have many...). In the tradition of many R&B hits naturally there was a spot in the song for him to drop his rhymes. We worked many late nights together (though most of them were wasted on drinking and hanging out... hehe) and things were on schedule. We were confident that it would be released on 1st July 2007... but of course, nothing ever goes to plan.

Money problems striked (I am unemployed, remember?) and I had no funds to record our vocals in a proper studio. Worst, I couldn't send it to my good friend Greg Henderson (Multiple winner of ARIA & AIM awards) for the final mix as I had earlier planned (I couldn't afford his fee, not even at 'friends' prices!).

Determined to not let it stop me, I attempted to try and record on my own (see 'Wardrobe Records' blog) but that didn't quite work out either. I learned quickly that it was not easy to NOT be in control of my computer whilsts singing at a distance away. It was just too hard when I wanted to edit something on the fly. I had to remove my headphones, crawl my way out from the tight enclosure (which was covered with layers of bedsheets), edit, and then reverse the whole process to continue the recording. As if that wasn't frustrating enough, getting back to the exact angle on the mic was virtually impossible so the quality of my vocals were inconsistent. Adding that to the fact that I don't exactly have the right equipment in the first place kinda makes it all pointless. Arghh!

So what's an unemployed, broke, unsigned R&B malaysian artist to do? I kept to my commitment and still spent my fair share of hours per day composing and producing new material but I wasn't feeling like I was moving forward. My mind started to hint old habits and would occasionally whisper "get a job, get a job". Always the easy out...

A couple of days ago, my dad called and asked how I was doing. I reluctantly told him my sob story, afraid that he might give me the old "I told you so" reply (You know how parents can be when you decide to resign from your day job and pursue an unstable career instead). However, I got the shock of my life when he said to me "well if you need help financially just ask". WOW! I acted cool and said "Thanks, but I'm still gonna try and do it myself for now" but I couldn't begin to explain how it was truly a light in the dark (Thanks dad!). Despite not having taken the offer, it was rather motivational to know that my family had my back, which only meant that I must be doing something right... and somehow or rather, it just felt as if things were gonna move again. And sure enough it did...

Yesterday I met with an engineer friend as I was lending my voice to a commercial that she was doing. After much talking about my intention she surprised me with an offer that could possibly end all dead ends: a partnership! She's a talented upcoming producer/engineer and has been looking around for a 'real' project to work on (she's kinda sick of all the ads that she's been doing) and as fate would have it, we found eachother! Naturally I accepted the offer!

Now studio time is finally not an issue as she has full access to it. She has also agreed to mix and I'm quite confident that the result would be similar to that of Greg Henderson's considering she trained under him. We quickly scheduled the recording for next weekend and finally things are rolling again. Ok so most likely 'Wardrobe Records' won't live up to its proposed unwritten history, but you never know maybe at a later date, when a condenser mic, a compressor and a 2nd outlet system is in place (so that I can edit whilst I'm IN the booth), I may just give it another go... but for now, so long as the song makes its way out I'll be ecstatic! It has after all been almost 9 years!

So hopefully ya'll will get to listen to it by my birthday (19th August)... which would be like 'the best present ever!' I currently have this funny idea of releasing the single with the 4 other versions (I have remix of remixes!)... haha. I'm just being silly... but you never know...

Wardrobe Records..

July 10, 2007 - So I've been working on my music for roughly 2-3 months now and I thought I'd just blog a little on what I've been through so far..

See, when 'moi' decided to do an English POP R&B album I didn't want something that's just 'good enough for the market'. I want to create something that the whole world is gonna go "damnnnn. U sure the dude's from Malaysia?". However, there aren't many (or any at all) producers, labels, composers, etc etc in the local industry that can actually do what I want and even if they could, I ain't got the money to engage them. So, cornered and desperate, I'm faced with the only sensible alternative: do it myself.

The journey began in early May 07 when all I had was one very basic computer that was running on P4 2.4ghz, 1gig ram and Cubase SX2.2. Using only the onboard sound card the pc sat on the living room coffee table! I would sit on the floor and come up with melodies and lyrics and then attempt to compose corresponding music to it. It was fun n all, but limitations on my pc didn't allow me to get as far as I wanted and my ass was starting to hurt.

With a twist of fate my bro moved back here to KL and I finally managed to move into a bigger apartment where I get to set up in my bedroom and got to sit down on a chair (which broke recently though).

Then my computer received a slight upgrade due to a good friends upgrade on his own computer. His old P4 2.8ghz, his graph card, and an extra gig of ram made its way into my old thing and things moved a lot smoother. However, my onboard sound card was still a major issue.

My bro, god bless his soul, took pity on me and donated his Soundblaster Live Audigy 2 Value, which is not exactly industry standard but sounded a whole lot better than mine! The excitement was shortlived however as the damn thing had major compatibility issues with cubase... so... this is when the money started leaving my pocket.

I had no choice. I'm not in a situation where I can afford to procrastinate and not progress. So I had to part with Rm500 and purchased an ESI Maya 44 sound card (It might not sound like much to you but I'm unemployed!). Excited like a little boy with a new transformer toy I quickly went home from lowyat and installed it. Damnnnnn it sounded so sweet, even on my crappy e-view speakers.

So now the poota was finally ready for some decent producing... till of course I had to record vocals. Thanks to my mum I had an SM58 mic sitting around that she gave me for one of my past birthdays. But a mic is no good for recordng without a stand for it to sit on. I tried a couple of 'homemade' solutions like sticky tape it to a mop stick but they just didn't work out. So, I was once again cornered to part with Rm100.

Solving one problem simply led to another. My room was so bare that sounds are reflecting everywhere and making its way into the mic whilsts recording. Add that with a noisy pc and you get one very crappy vocal track.

After much brainstorming we came up with the idea to place all the ikea shelves that we have at right angles and then covering it all up with big sized cloths (curtains, blankets, whatever we can find). To further treat it, we placed all our clothes in there too! So it's like a walk in wardrobe now and vocal booth too! (I gotta give props to my partner in crime who helped put it all together with me... it was no easy task).

So far, after a day of tweaking and troubleshooting I've finally recorded a draft track on one of my songs with my gf as the sound engineer. I must admit the accoustics are good, but now the mic is not quite working out. Hmmm. I may have to take out my wallet again... and then there's the new speakers, speaker stands, keyboard...

The whole journey so far reminds of the movie 'hustle & flow' as they pretty much went through the same thing. I loved that movie, and I love what I'm doing. The passion that drives me everyday makes me proud to tell people that I'm pretty much a bum, but working on something big.

It's just the beginning of course, as there is still the album to finish, choreography to learn, the gym, the promotion, etc etc.. but when its all said and done, I'll be proud to say "you know what, the whole thing was made in my bedroom and recorded in my wardrobe!"



sorry no photo of the 'booth' unfortunately. Kinda embarrassing to show you my clothes!

Persist On Ur Passion!

April 2nd 2007 - Resigned from Synchrosound Music and stepped down as the company's A&R Manager. 2 1/2 years of income stability (not financial stability however) and suddenly I'm jobless... Oh my. What am I doin?

I'm chasing my dream that's what I'm doing. Yes that dream that I've had since the age of 5... that dream that most advised would be a dead end chase... that dream that came so close back in 2003 but yet was so far...

Singer, Performer, Recording Artist, or whatever you wanna call it, Yep that's the one. For most of my 28 years on earth I was so scared to approach it fully as I've seen many talented musicians fail and live very unstable lives... so I spent most my time setting up a just-in-case safety net. Problem with that is that my focus shifted to this safety plan and barely any left on the ambition part.

With a stroke of luck I came to attend a life changing self-discovery course several months back. It finally got me to question "all this effort on the safety net but is the net itself safe? I'd probably have to create a safety net for this safety net!"

Then it hit me. Nothing in this world is for sure. If I keep going this way, I'll just be weaving nets and eventually completely lose focus of what I wanted in the first place. And in the end, regardless of how so-called 'successful' I'll become, no amount of money in the world could compensate for an unsatisfied heart.

So I made a choice. I chose my dream... because when I close my eyes that's all I see myself doing so why not go for it. We have 1 life... why waste it on meaningless ventures?

I remember when I was a teenager and my friends (whom all shared the same dreams as me) and I would daydream about how famous we were gonna be... all the fame, fortune and girls... and I recall how involved I used to be in music and performing arts.

I remember how I used to record my demo's. Not earning anything at the time I made do with what I had and never complained about it.

I had a stereo that had 2 cass players, the 2nd one able to record the 1st. So I would grab the cheap mic that was lying around, sticky tape it round my ikea lamp (it had this mechanical arm so it acted a little like a mic stand), picked up my brothers old nylon string guitar, pressed record and strummed away the chords. When I was done, I would rewind the tape, switch the cassette into the 1st player, and put in another blank cass in the recordable 2nd.

Play no.1 and press record no.2. This time I would sing on top of the guitar I had recorded earlier. After that, repeat the process until I layered all the sounds I wanted. You guessed it: That was my multitracker!

Of course quality dropped DRAMATICALLY in doing so, but it got the job done.

Here's a photo of the actual stereo taken recently on my visit to Perth. Can't believe it's still around!


Eventually I evolved into a simple software called 'e-tracker' that allowed me to program samples... oooh I had fun with that. Then dance e-jay came out and that was simply bliss!

I then got into a proper digital multitracker called Cakewalk and finally I was introduced to proper multichannel recording.

I mentioned all this because I never quite realised how much more proactive I was when I was younger because I wasn't scared. If only I had kept it up I probably would be a decent producer by now.

So now I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm now running Cubase SX2.2 and I'm spending roughly 8-10 hours per day making music on my computer. In just one month I have learnt much more than I have in my whole lifetime doing it half-arsed.

I've learnt a lot about various softwares, arranging, clean recording, room sound treatment, how an SB audigy2 value soundcard makes such a difference compared to the onboard, and how a specific music production soundcard like my current Maya 44 makes such a difference compared to the SB audigy2 value (hehe), etc etc...

Of course this is nothing compared to what I will learn as I keep progressing but the moral of the story is this: I absolutely love what I do now and if I didn't walk around scared most of my life I wouldn't have wasted so much of its precious time.

But no regrets of course. Im sure it was the best choice I had at the time (or else why else would I have made 'em). But it's time to make the choice whether to continue with it or shift. So I'm shifting.

Now I get to make my own music, sing, and with enough persistence, will get to pursue the career that I've always wanted. No safety nets. No fear. No excuses. Just pure focus. Because guys, whether you like it or not, we all have a countdown timer imprinted in us. What meaningful thing are YOU going to do before it reaches 0?

Persist on ur passion!

About The Blog

In late 2002 I entered a 'reality TV' singing competition called Popstars. Proved to be popular in Australia the concept made its way to Malaysia looking for the country's own next-big-thing. By early 2003 my lifelong dream of becoming a singer had come true as I was announced as one of the five members that had been chosen to form a new mixed-gender group that was to be named By'U (Pictured below: I'm the one on the far left if you're wondering).

Like many products of reality tv we enjoyed a glamorous adventure. Our first single topped the charts, we received various nominations for local industry awards, we were the main hot topic in magazines, and we toured the country state by state performing to thousands of screaming fans before us. But like most celebrities would tell you, it's not all fun and games.

What you don't read about was how we were consistently ridiculed by backstabbing managers & agents, how we were struggling to pay our bills, and, amidst all this, how we were still required to uphold the pride and image that we were composed into.

As most would expect the hype soon faded and our main source of income (via shows) soon faded along with it. We were terminated by our management (who didn't see much business sense in keeping us any longer) and our label (due to disappointing record sales) leaving us little choice but to part our separate ways just shy of 2 years from the time we were assembled.

So you'd think that after facing the harsh reality of the local music industry that I would fear ever stepping foot in it ever again, right? Not quite.

You see the journey was not 'all bad'. In fact, I regret nothing and I'm appreciative of all the things that I have learned along the way, and truly cherish the network that I have built. I have since made great bonds with top producers and players in the industry. I've greatly developed my singing, songwriting, and music production skills. I even became an A&R for small record label which enabled me to learn valuable business lessons. In other words, I see the failure of the group as simply falling off the horse... and we all know what we should do after that. I'm now wiser, more well informed, more prepared, and ever more passionate about music.

But most importantly, as fun as it was being manufactured and taken care of (well... sort of) from the get go, I was always deprived of the one thing that I feel had greatly contributed to the failure of the group: I was not allowed to be ME.

So what is it about ME that's so different? Well, for starters my main language is English, not Malay. In fact, my Malay sucks bad. Having grown up in Australia I was not particularly expressive during media interviews and performances in Malay, which was 95% of the time as our label was targeting the major Malay market. This truly 'cramped my style' because I am a REALLY expressive person, and having to suppress that characteristic during our time really deprived me of my individuality. I was practically a zombie!

Being in a pop group also didn't quench my thirst of releasing songs that I truly wanted to do: R&B. I must admit however that I do enjoy pop music but only if the songs enabled me to perform extraordinary dance routines too. I'm a big fan of pop groups like N'sync & B2k because of how they brilliantly showcase the duality of singing and dancing simultaneously, and I was hoping that joining the group would allow me to do the same. But with a full album containing virtually no dance-friendly songs (at least not for N'sync type routines anyway), uninspiring choreographers, and inexperience group members, we were stuck dancing to 80's choreography which I am, till this day, still very embarrassed about.

So I think we've established what 'ME' is and 'ME' is exactly what my solo album will be about. It's about R&B, world class dancing, and no limit to expression... and I truly believe that the lessons that I have learnt along the way will help me get it right this time around.

This blog is like a diary that happily invites all those whom are interested to go through this journey with me on making my very first solo album..

Note: The first 3 entries (post this one) were written and posted a while ago on another site which I have only recently transfered here. I have placed dates on them so as to indicate when they were originally posted just in case you get confused with the post dates on this blog - a feature I'm unable to switch off!).