It's funny because the day actually started out well. I woke up at a desirable time and had a decent night sleep. After a delicious lunch I proceeded with my daily routine and started work on my music. Everything seemed dandy. So what happened?
To begin, you have to understand a little about my work. Now due to my inexperience as a producer my general arrangement method is pretty much to approach it by trial and error. I'd go over a million and one different things before I land on something that works. However this method is time consuming and can be extremely frustrating! particularly when you can't seem to land anything despite spending hours experimenting. So, today was one of those days and, yes, I'm pretty damn frustrated at the moment.
Now usually I'd get over it quite quickly, but there's something about combining this annoying event with my current emotional situation that has led to the amplification of lurking negative energies. I'm bored, extremely lonely, broke, and the last thing I needed was my creativity to hit a brick wall.
At times like this I usually get a little pissed off at the world and start to question "why does it have to be so damn hard?". I mean I'm composing my own songs, producing them, planning my marketing strategies, starting up a label, choreographing my own dance routines, and managing my whole music career... all on my own. No team, no budget, and nothing much else to keep me going but the determination to prove to everyone that I can. However, when I see 'celebrities' who seem to have simply shot to stardom without having to put forth a fraction of the effort that I've put in I start to wonder what the fu#@ is going on? It's bad enough that I won a talent contest and the whole thing fell flat on its ass, and now here I am still persisting on this career and shouting "I've got talent!" but yet nobody really gives a sh!t.
What ever happened to the concept of being discovered? Where are the talent scouts? Where's the recording deal? Where's the big-shot A&R telling me "you're gonna be the next big thing"? How come I have to spend countless hours of self-effort to pursue this while others have everything simply handed over to them? I gotta go through so much bullsh!t in order educate myself whilst, at the same time, trying not let the issue of next months bill payments worry me. Add to that the fact that the people I'm closest to are thousands of miles away and I'm generally going out of my mind coz I have no one to share my life with. I work alone, I sleep alone, I wake up alone, I eat alone, and (the worst part is) I suffer alone.
There's no one to run to when I'm in need. There's no one to make me feel needed. There's no shoulder to cry on. There's also no one to share my joys with. My smiles go unnoticed. My laughter only heard by me. My basic human need for affection completely deprived.
*Sigh* Okay.. it's obvious that what happened today (the failure of finding the right sound) was simply a trigger to something a lot deeper that I've been suppressing. By tomorrow or maybe even in a couple of hours I'll be back to normal again. I'm not asking for sympathy. I just wanted to lash out just once so that you know that this seemingly self-reliant, motivated, and determined artist is simply human... and I too have my share of struggles.
I wanted to share this because when I achieve my dream (and I WILL achieve it) I want you to know that there was a nightmare before it. Maybe you won't like my music and maybe what I'll bring to the table has no entertainment value to you whatsoever, but at least you'll know of the fight that I kept up to achieve it.. and I'm sure you can at least respect that.
So what now? Back to it I guess... grrrrrr.
I found this picture on http://www.candidsoul.com - Kinda explains how I've been feeling lately...
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